Showing posts with label department of habsolution. Show all posts
Showing posts with label department of habsolution. Show all posts

Monday, November 16, 2009

the second ten games



christopher higgins of the new york rangers looks like kurt cobain of the living dead. he's only smiling because the RDSman asked him which of his former teammates trashed talked him most. ANS: gorges. couldn't have been all that much though, higgins sat on the bench for the entire third period.

—halak plays until he loses, which is four wins and a loss. since then CP#31 has won two anf YH#41 has won one. habs haven't won two in a row since the end of the first homestand
—george laraque has been on IR since the alcoholic energy drink controversy, he re-injured his back off-ice, somehow..
—halak's agent starts a twitter controversy when he (somewhat erroneously) suggests that CP#31 is 10-32. a disappointed and twitterless bob gainey thought it was a " 'My dad is bigger than your dad,’ kind of thing."
—SK#74 tries to bail on hamilton again, but somehow gainey talks him back into riding the bus. meanwhile, tom pyatt, ryan white, gregory stewart, maxime lapierre, guiaullme latendresse & andrei kostitsyn all can't score at all.
—hal gill is injured. suddenly, his play is missed.
—glen metropolit is a point-per-game player through his first eight games. his answer: "Well, it's an Olympic year!" GM#15 still gets nice slice of PP time, minutes more than AK#46 or GL#84
—plekanec and cammalleri are the best habs and aren't even scoring a point per game. SG#91 hasn't scored a goal in 11 games and is on course for a fifty-point season.
—brian gionta is injured. gomez's play is greatly effected.
—carey price stops 53 of 55 shots on a silly saturday night game in pheonix, two shots shy of the record for most shots ever faced by a montreal goaltender.
—the consensus from the talking heads is that CP#31 or YH#41 have to be MVP candidates in order for the habs to make the playoffs. the english radio is screaming for gainey's head. so is cyberpresse.
—maxime lapierre is on the fourth line, latendresse a healthy scratch. but then 30 minutes before game time GL#84 is told he'll play in phoenix. according to guy, he's still in bed at the hotel at this point.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

if it's not BLEU BLANC ROUGE it's not a fucking habs jersey




1.
woah did the habs not look like the habs or what? what does this prove? that MTL thought of the MIN and original NJ uniforms in the 1910s? honestly: worse retro jersey ever. but man o' man: is that a wicked C.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

gump worsley is not a wimp

“How the hell can a mask protect you when it’s flush against the face? They say you don’t get cut, just bruised when a puck hits the mask. Well, sometimes it’s better to get cut than bruised.

“My objection to the mask is that it’s not necessary. Why all of a sudden after hockey has been played for 70 years do they decide we should wear masks? Aww, don’t tell me the game has changed. Besides, you don’t see college goalies wearing masks and they’re a careful bunch. Do boxers wear masks?

“Plante may make a pot full ‘o money on that mask idea. He can have it, I don’t want the thing.”
-GW, NYR, nov 1, 1959

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

no win streak, no sell out

1.

guy carbonneau should be hired as JM's director of fashion.

Monday, October 26, 2009

no plekanec, no sellout

1.

a funny thing happened to me on the way down to the BC with whistledog...

2.

the RDS broadcast of saturday night's Big Game against the NYR had a little kid doing pretty good play-action commentary for a powerplay. he was there to hype cancer research fundriving, which was all sqwashed up into 12 seconds by pierre houde mere moments before the NYR went up 4-2. the kid was cool, cancer is not cool. that the cool kid has cancer is a real bummer; but there's more: when asked who the kid's favourite player was, the kid snapped back, sans hesitation: "pleknec."

PLEKANEK?! you've got to fucking kidding. what have nos glorieus come to when a sick kid's—or any other kid's—favourite hab is TOMAS PLEKANEC?

the next day, in a shopping trip not completely unrelated to the win-streak or double-come-from-behind-overtime-hat-trick melee of the night before, i went down to the BC to get the 2010 media guide, being that there are so many new players with stats and birthplaces i have yet to peruse.

tomas fucking plekanec is the 2nd active hab after markov is all categories. actually, they were tied for goals, so #14 is getting his way-ups on non-captain AM. markov career is on temporary hold in the mid 560 GP, while tommy P. is at 320 and climbing.

why wouldn't the kid like plekanec, he's the only one left. who's he going to cheer for, glen metropolit? or josh gorges? or jaroslav halak?

higgins and komisarek were both hyped as future captains and they were both pretty thrilled to go play somewhere else. have markov and plekanec stayed because they're goofy europeans who don't know any better, that one's NHL career doesn't have to be lived in seven-column headlines like some gaudy, invasive reality show?

the habs ARE a reality show, and the ironman of the hour is tomas plekenec.

3.

why doesn't the NHL go to 3 digit jersey numbers and make sure everyone gets ONE number, like a barcode, when they enter the league. so that player will always be 888 or 123 or any of the boring numbers like 486 or 683.

4.

if i had a team in california i'd call it THE OTTERS.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

the first ten games



—l'affair sergei kostitsyn
no captain, no sellout
—markov's foot, o'byrne's, ugh, what is it?
—metropolit on the powerplay
—why doesn't price start in calgary?
—why does price stay in for seven goals against vancouver?
—l'affaire george larauque and his sexy sexy alcoholic energy drink web ad
—everyone introduces themselves in french @ the home opener except for andrey kostitsyn
—beating atlanta 2-1 at home in a shootout to stop a five game losing streak and to avoid the worst team start in 68 years
–bonjour m-a bergeron! a plus tard weber, belle
—lapierre on the 2nd line, latendresse on the fourth; d'agostini has 1 point, pacioretty has 2.
—i do not like JM's double-breasted suits
BIGGEST SURPRISE: kyle chipchura has made the team

Friday, October 23, 2009

scott gomez is not a wimp

"Marky didn't really get hurt in Toronto, I actually knifed him in the foot."

did you fight with sergei kostitsyn at yr house?

"There's absolutely no truth to it. But it is a good story. Everyone's been calling. I guess that's what happens here in Montreal. But, like I said, the Markov thing is true. He was at my house and I knifed him."

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

mechant mardi #1



1.

wimptown: "game days make me nervous. i even forgot to wear my scarf today."
sachtown: "you didn't forget!"

2.

Friday, October 16, 2009

100th home opener





1. thursday night was the habs' 100th home opener, and the 26th i've existed for, and the 18th or so i've cared about, and i didn't see it because i was working. infact, i haven't seen any games in their entirety except for the road loss v. calgary, which (apparently) is the best game we've played.

i like that the players introduced themselves (in french!) we are in the future, where americans and slovacs and anglo canadians all speak polite french. let the simple verbs fly.

most of the gillet-era ceremonies were incredibly long but wonderfully entertaining. there were neat-o projections on the ice and short films about habs glory and immortal legends of days long passed, and nice speeches by inductees and buddies or what-not. the fact that the game later played (sometimes, quite later) was always dull and instantly forgettable doesn't seem to bother any fans, who smile and laugh and twirl their commemerative beer-sponsored pennant around their fingers as they cue for the metro, the trains and the buses. and the truth is the habs could retire another half dozen numbers quite easily, almost instantly. how will the new-molson-era be different then than our former smiley skier billionaire puppetmaster.

anyhow, retirement ceremonies aren't home-openers. i would like a big homecoming party, will tailgaiting and a big screen set up outside and bad bands and all that shit, to accompany the home-opener. why don't we do that? that would be so nice.

going to a canadiens game and shopping at an expensive boutique are not as dissimilar as most fans would like to believe.

Friday, October 9, 2009

no sellout, no bagskate



mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush! mush!

2. l'avenue des canadiens-de-montreal

delaG starts at peel, best be updating yr garmins. or do they autoupdate?
it rained. JMol doesn't wear a jersey and i like that. people who aren't famous habs look as strange in habs sweaters as habs superlegends of yore do in civilian clothes, or aging or dying and the bits in between, helicopters and racecars and autobiographies.

new monument: a big slabby thing with the names of everyone who ever played a game for the habs, and (apparently) some one-gamers with habs unbrellas to gladhand and pose, interview and anecdote. i like the all-names, i mean to go see it early tomoro morning and finger it. goofball mayor tremblay in full election swing smiles and holds street sign: de la gauchetiere infront of the BC is now CdM.

okay: now how about renaming st-l and beaubien l'avenue des italiens and st laurent and rachel l'avenue des portugaize and so on and so on until every lamppost has its ethno-cultural bannerstuff and one can wander around drunk and stoned speaking a foreign language (american) and still be able navigate the 200 km2 of montreal centrale.

renaming a (dead end!) street after the business in the building which occupies its entirety is no great honour, its a navigational simplification, and apparently a stop on the stump for goofball mayor GT. it was cute and nice to do it the same day as the slabby ceremony (in the rain) but really, where's the prestige?

let's talk about de la montagne: old street, very famous, adjacent to BC, home de nos glorieux; not named after anyone, no political overtones possible from a historic descriptive change: yes, you used to be able to see and mount le mont royal, but now that you can't really see it anymore, the bell centre is just to your left. "de la montagne" and "canadiens de montreal" have similar sylable sounds whence mumbled.

or perhaps wellington street, snaking through downtown, pt-st-charles and verdun. there's about 10km of honour and prestige. sure, the locals would moan about it but what act of great honour Doens't involve a whole buncha people getting pissed off?

or the train station? that's like delaMontagne, just a description: central station. gare des canadiens de montreal. windsor station is now fancy offices and expo space, and new windsor station can be habs station. what am i saying? fuck windsor? basically.

place du canada? place des canadiens.

or how about the greatest honour of all? someone dropping the $30M it would take to buy the naming rights and allow the habs the dignity in playing in an eponymous arena, or one named after one of its brightest icon, maurice richard.

no streetsigns, no sellout

Sunday, October 4, 2009

JS#6 is not a wimp

«Ça fait 10 ans que je suis dans la LNH. J'ai assez d'expérience pour comprendre ce qui arrive et j'ai certainement les aptitudes pour m'en sortir. C'est sans doute pour ça que le Canadien m'a embauché. J'aurai un rôle plus important, mais le hockey demeure le hockey et c'est le travail de tous les joueurs qui déterminera le succès que nous aurons»
-jaroslav spacek

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

no captain, no sellout

holy fuck: let's make fucking youppi fucking captain.

2001: saku koivu is diagnosed to be very sick. for the season, there is no captain.
2008: koivu is injured. kovalev wears the C.
2009: koivu is injured. kovalev does not wear the C. weeks later, neither are resigned as free agents.

question: why can't markov be captain?

question: why are two of our new players wearing As?

question: why aren't 2009 holdovers gorges or lapierre alternates?

all of this makes me think that BG will be here for the long run. the total overhaul will be watched over by he for years to come. lou lamoriello has been in NJ for 20+ years, and i don't see why BG won't be GM in MTL as long as he likes. he's young, single, likes hockey, speaks french. my favourite hab is bob gainey.

in gainey we trust. goodnight.

Monday, September 28, 2009

fake interview with saku koivu




WIMPTOWN: hey saks! we share the same birthdate.

fake saku koivu: (disinterested) that's great.

what is your happiest memory as a canadien?

i think eliminating the boston bruins in 2002 was pretty spectacular. the welcome i received coming back during the 2002 season was also very special, but much more personal. on a professional level, coming in as the eighth seed underdog and winning in six, well, that was a pretty good feeling.

would you have stayed in montreal is gainey offered you a contract?

until the trade for gomez, absolutely. but after that, i knew we had to go in different directions.

what did the gomez trade say to you?

it said: "you've been replaced." bob gainey said as much a few days later.

did you feel the team was going in the right direction?

this year that is something no one can say. but since the lockout i would say on a whole, yeah, it was moving towards something. for a little while it looked as if vincent lecavalier would be the #1 center going into the future, where i could occupy the #2 slot and he could be captain. i think that would have been a hard team to beat.

not if it also had andrei kostitsyn and perezhogin and tomas plekenek and alex kovalev.


that's an interesting thing that you mention kovalev last, because i would say he had the largest impact on all those other skaters you mentioned. they were enchanted with his character, his regal attitude. perezhogin figured it was better to be a star in russia than a grinder here, and plekanek and kostitsyn and maybe both kostitsyns forgot what kind of play Got them to the nhl, and began emulating kovalev.

and who did chris higgins and mike ribeiro and jose theodore emulate? not you.

no, not me. i sign contracts to be a hockey player, not some paternal guiding force for youth let loose. the media say "well, gonchar mentors malkin and lemieux mentors crosby" and to that is say: go get a gonchar and a lemieux if you're so keen on them, and while you're at it a crosby and a malkin! this town is fucking ridiculous.

what is your dream season in anaheim like?

i play with teemu all year, he scores 50 goals and i score 50 assists and we beat the habs in final for the stanley cup.

that sounds a little like sour grapes.


habs fans need to learn some humility.

and you, mr. fake koivu, what do you need to learn?

how to get a tan without freckling.

Friday, September 25, 2009

the last breeze goodbye



the breezer's pre-beliveau trophy press conference to announce his retirement. now vancouver's matthew schneider is the only active 1993 cup champion Hab.

in the dark days, i did not boo the breezer. i do not heckle locals, but i sure did want to. the money wasn't important to me--the difference between $2 million and $4 million is not as great as it appears to be--but brisebois #43 made me so mad that if i Could possibly boo the habs, he would be the one. it was as if he was only playing half the game: he could pass the puck and shoot the puck, but he couldn't Get the puck and indeed often gave up the puck. but when hockey returned after the lockout, his salary became a problem to management and when he was released during the post-lockout mega-clearance window, i was less moved or nostalgic than when brian savage was traded. it was, in the end, a huge pity he signed that huge contract because we probably would have kept him otherwise, and he could have played his whole wishy-washy eighteen year career right here in the 514.

brisebois #71 was a player i appreciated more than brisebois #43. he did less but did it better, and was more accountable. when #43 appeared in paris when he was a scratch with the cold angers and baffles me even now, almost ten years later. i don't remember #71 upsetting me at all, possibly because he was almost never a regular player. when he dressed for only one playoff game in the spring of 2009 it was clear he had reached the end.

until his release to free-agency in 2005 brisebois #43 was the last remaining 1993 cup champion with the team--including management, organist, skaters and trainers. this departure is an important and historic juncture in the MTL organization, the exact point of disjunction between Nos Glorieux and the Bleu-blanc-rouge, the RBK spaceage jersey squad, the sexiest brand in hockey and the immortal legends of seasons past, when the past became more and more oblique and irrelevant and the future became more and more uncertain and unknowable.

in 1993, brisebois played with patrick roy & guy carbonneau and OTHERS, who had played in 1986 with bob gainey and larry robinson and OTHERS, who had played in 1976-1979 with guy lafleur and serge savard and yvan cournoyer and OTHERS who had played in 1967-71 with henri richard and jacques plante and OTHERS who had played in 1950-60 with jean beliveau and maurice the rocket richard who had played and so on and so on right back to Aurial Joliat and Howie Morenz, the continuity of championship remained intact right up until 2005, when it slowly began to unravel.

post-1993 pre-2005 brisebois shared the ice with (possible? ostensible?) future un-winners saku koivu, jose theodore & mike ribeiro, as well as imports tervor linden and sheldon souray and mark recchi, and countless others, unnamable and unimportant. some of these players went on to win the stanley cup--elsewhere, of course--and some didn't: is that our habs mojo working the recchi-tranding-deadline deal to carolina? shocker.

in 2004 brisebois #43 was the living, skating, dressing room link to XX hockey hall of famers. when he was gone, so too was that link. it can never be reconnected, and none like it will ever occur again.

there was hope though, in bob gainey and his first five-year plan, which looking back was more like a 5-year cocaine partyboy pogrom, a cleansing. a resetting of the clock. but the idea was certainly win the cup with the players we have.

in 2004 brisebois #43 "passed the torch" to top players and potential winners saku koivy, mike ribeiro, jose theodore, michael ryder, christopher higgins, sheldon souray, mike komisarek, alexi kovalev, steve begin, francis bouillon and andrei markov, who didn't play the next year and today 2009 only markov remains. if the habs do not win the stanley cup with markov, the link will be totally severed.

and it's a flimsy fake-link, a parlour game trivia nothingness, that markov and brisebois shared the ice in a habs sweater. to share the ice as cup champions is now impossible, and the only shreds of living legacy left are the cup prospects of the quietest russian en ville.

brisebois #71, however, (and schneider #24) while not exactly direct continuity of champion foreverness, also gives meager quarter-lives of sustained glory to many of our current roster, everyone left from last year. maybe this was the witchcraft gm bob gainey was up to when he brought beleaguered brisebois back from the rockies to the pleasure of almost everyone, at a contract no one would barf on, and traded for MS24 when the 2009 powerplay when to shit, to atleast infuse the youngsters with a taste of history before jetisoning the KKK + higgins old guard and plowing bravely into the future aloft from the unconquerable legacy around the logo.

bob gainey: blackmagik hockey sorcerer?
stay tuned.