fake interview with saku koivu

WIMPTOWN: hey saks! we share the same birthdate.

fake saku koivu: (disinterested) that's great.

what is your happiest memory as a canadien?

i think eliminating the boston bruins in 2002 was pretty spectacular. the welcome i received coming back during the 2002 season was also very special, but much more personal. on a professional level, coming in as the eighth seed underdog and winning in six, well, that was a pretty good feeling.

would you have stayed in montreal is gainey offered you a contract?

until the trade for gomez, absolutely. but after that, i knew we had to go in different directions.

what did the gomez trade say to you?

it said: "you've been replaced." bob gainey said as much a few days later.

did you feel the team was going in the right direction?

this year that is something no one can say. but since the lockout i would say on a whole, yeah, it was moving towards something. for a little while it looked as if vincent lecavalier would be the #1 center going into the future, where i could occupy the #2 slot and he could be captain. i think that would have been a hard team to beat.

not if it also had andrei kostitsyn and perezhogin and tomas plekenek and alex kovalev.

that's an interesting thing that you mention kovalev last, because i would say he had the largest impact on all those other skaters you mentioned. they were enchanted with his character, his regal attitude. perezhogin figured it was better to be a star in russia than a grinder here, and plekanek and kostitsyn and maybe both kostitsyns forgot what kind of play Got them to the nhl, and began emulating kovalev.

and who did chris higgins and mike ribeiro and jose theodore emulate? not you.

no, not me. i sign contracts to be a hockey player, not some paternal guiding force for youth let loose. the media say "well, gonchar mentors malkin and lemieux mentors crosby" and to that is say: go get a gonchar and a lemieux if you're so keen on them, and while you're at it a crosby and a malkin! this town is fucking ridiculous.

what is your dream season in anaheim like?

i play with teemu all year, he scores 50 goals and i score 50 assists and we beat the habs in final for the stanley cup.

that sounds a little like sour grapes.

habs fans need to learn some humility.

and you, mr. fake koivu, what do you need to learn?

how to get a tan without freckling.