les cent ans

The competing teams of excitable nerds on RDS and TQS went too far last week, suggesting that the scandals set to hit the streets at one in the morning would devastate the morale of the 514 sporting community so completely that hockey would be no. 2 tomorrow to scandal and sadness, that Montreal would awake to a chorus of distant screams, people awaking and hearing the news, which would continue for at least fifteen hours. Even on public transportation there would be shocked eeps! of passengers who catch the disaster on the back of a strangers daily, and old ladies weeping into their babushkas in the Point and wandering the old parade route along the lachine canal cursing the disinterested european scum who have replaced her dickie moores and larry robinsons.

The truth, of course, was far less devastating—and so one would assume this would be good. But beneath the relatively mild accusations of fraternizing with seedy elements, it is the lingering stink of deeper, darker rumours, which no one makes up but everyone repeats. Hamrlik had an orgy with twenty callgirls—les canadiesn sont la! I wonder whazt would happen if i called an escort agency and asked for an estimate of a similar experience for myself, like, if i had enough time could i work it out to how Many women would be paid for sexual services and which would be paid Less for hanging around in the nude. Or is Hamrlik counting, does this 30-something czech athlete really want to put it into twenty girls in a short span of time, short enough to have them all huddled together, anyway.

More shocking in Utah, maybe, but this sort of thing would probably seem imediately borring and redundant in the KHL, or NBA for that matter. And then the kovalev suspension—and THEN the kovalev return, three points and cheered from start to finish from the “home” team, then and always comprised greatly of traveling quebecois, not montrealers, who decided to come and cheer kovalev when tickets went on sale back in september and remembered to dance with the one they brought. Sergai “scarface” kostitsyn is safely riding the buss with the bulldogs (the busdogs) and the only live sport on tv Monday night is the tournament of hearts.

The big stink now will be a classic one, the timeless goalie contro. g/c is a constant here in montreal, and perhaps other places too, but in montreal there hasnt been a season since patrick roy left that the newspapers, fans and coaches haven’t made hotdogs out of at least one, and sometimes more, goalies. Theodore’s brilliant season ignited only after cohort and “1a” goalie jeff hacket went down with a broken-arm and jose was anointed the no. 1 without a doubt goalie. These are in the dark days, where our best players were eric weinrich and chad kilger and oleg petrov, when even the players showed wrinkled noses during games and tv interviews and knew full-well how much their team stank.

But it would be the last media interview—at very least with the habs—if anyone had said the truth about that horrible team then, or about the struggling one now... a sweaty postworkout rant right into the microphones:

“yes well, the team kinda stinks. We were all really excited to be here in the begining but things went to total shit. everyone’s kinda into their own thing, and no one likes carbo and carbo’s not going anywhere, so we’re all waiting for ak to pick it up because saku’s injured and tanguay’s injured and lang is injured and chris higgins and carey price and both kostitsyns are all dopeheads who spend more time melting their brains than watching video. Which sucks for the players who do commit 100 per cent, like kostopo-fucking-lous, begin, bouillon, komisarek, dandenault and max lapierre, but dont have the skills to put it in the net all the time, and certainly can’t be depended on if the team is healthy, which it is not. But that can be cured quickly, and suddenly. The work is the deathmask its conception. walter benjamin said that. Kovalev can play on my team if he works hard, this year or any other. I said that.

But that’s it: this year, and maybe some playoffs. And maybe not some playoffs, frankly; and maybe not even the rest of the year. Koivu is more certain—almost completely certain—to stay until the habs’ season is over, whenever this spring that is, but is guaranteed no longer. The habs should be able to split 10 or 11 millions between koivu and komisarek, but to make it work it will be an overpayment of mike and saks taking a big hometown discount, saks Wanting to stay. He Wanted to stay last time, when the team seemed like it was rebuilding quickly, with plek and pereszogin and more importantly higgins and ryder lighting it up. Ryder was given up on and higgins shriveled up, perez split for russia and plekanek lost his juice if he ever really had any to begin with. It makes good sense that koivu is playing (sometimes) with paccioretty because that is the wave of the future, not these wimpy kostitsyn brothers.

It almost seems inevitable that these are the last days of saku koivu as a hab, so few players stick with a team their whole career, even farve and ray bourque sometimes need to be somewhere else. Farve’s team tossed him away, tired of him, like and old plaything, while bourque’s wrapped him in velvet and passed him ceremoneously, like a valued heirloom. On july 1st, saku koivu might just move away, evaporate. We might not even be granted a press conference, perhaps no paparazi at the airport. Koivu might already be out of town by the time free agency arrives, and therefore might never come back. And koivu is as close to a personality as this team has had the whole time i’ve been paying attention, save for the three or four years of Team Clinic and 18 months of Les Trois Amigos. The habs have no players signed beyond 2011. what a better way to celebrate les cent ans than to make 11 free agents sweat it out all year. Markov resigned, souray walked. Streight walked, after being offered a decidedly optimistic but ultimately rude offer of $7m for 3 years, which was still a hefty increase on his salary of 800k. no hometown discount there, we MADE you streight, but Fuck you. Will the same sad scene go down when koivu asks gainey for a six year deal worth a cool $30 mil, which is worth it if saks gets to play with linemates of quality and a waste if he’s going to be grinding it out with d’agostini and kyle chipchura, winger, ne centre. Koivu at 34 looks like he could play two or three seasons more as a top 100 player and then maybe two or three more as a totemic luck charm, but certainly not at five mil a year.

The truth is, however, someone else would give it to him, team with good players who need a cold, dedicated warrior to lead them to glory. The Canadiens of the past 15 years have never come close to having any players as dedicated as Koivu, except for SOuray and Rivet which is maybe why they all got along so well. Koivu in miami, nashville, washington, los angeles, san jose, st louis, chicago, buffalo, long island are not hilarious, from either a hockey or money point of view. The point is Anywhere might be better than here, i give my eye for this team and my line mate is a 20 year old party dude and some rookie, and they don’t want to pay me $5m+ for the rest of my career because i dont put up much more than 70 points ever.

No, too late for koivu to be a 90+ point player with any linemates, on this team or any other, though perhaps if he was playing with simon gagne and jerome iginla for the past ten years we’d be singing a different tune. It certainly didnt help that during his career he’s had six coaches and three gms, but with the cap is becomes impossible to pay koivu for back pay, lost wages from lack of talent on the team and injuries in the course of battle. In a pre-cap world gainey and gillet would let koivu write his own cheques, monthly, at his whim. But now these monetary affairs are very serious matters, and Saks cannot be paid like a scoring-star when he is distinctly Not. If Dustin Penner is making $4 then Saku could make four, but that (d/p) contract was signed two years ago, almost three seasons, and ryan malone’s $4.5 last summer makes a strong argument for koivu and his agent to hit the market this summer and listen to offers from sweaty hockey backwaters in the south for long-term contracts at highly inflated value. If koivu signs in montreal it will be for a cap hit of less than $4.5mil a year at term long enough to ensure his staying here with a no-movement clause, probably heavily front loaded like a mini-zetterberg deal. But if he signs somewhere else, it will be at towards a cap hit of $6m. you would think it wouldn’t happen but look at paul kariya (twice!) and mats sundin: money talks, always.

So who knows about carey price, or yaro halak, or ryan smyth or alex(i) kovalev? All i can think about is koivu, and making a sandwich.